This time last year I was trying to figure out how to get to Kansas City to go on staff at IHOP (prayer, not pancakes). I was all over the Onething Conference. It was just another stop along the way of trying to find something to satisfy the darkness and emptiness of my own soul. The thing I didn’t see (or actually, chose not to see) was that the thing I was searching for, was here all along. I haven’t been very forthcoming on this site about everything involved in my little crisis of faith that arose last summer. I’m not sure how or where to even begin, but suffice it to say that I left my family in search of something to fill the darkness. I’ve wandered across the country for the past few years: Florida, Texas, Kansas City. Every time somebody proclaimed “revival” I was there to investigate, and jump in headlong. I never really found anything that changed my soul. The darkness was still there, no matter how awesome the music was. No matter how intense things seemed, and no matter how much other people seemed to be getting encountered, my soul was still in darkness.
In January, a man that I considered a father to me sent me a scathing email that pretty much said that I left because I was incapable of being committed to anyone or anything. He was right. I chose not to answer it at all. I instead made up some religious excuse and kept chasing after an encounter that wasn’t coming.
In February, I was in Kansas City, and in the middle of a particularly rocking service, where everyone else was celebrating and having fun, I was on my face crying telling God that if all this was five minutes of warm fuzzies, I wasn’t interested. I should’ve walked away then, but I hung in until July.
Towards the end of July, I was burned out. I’d been searching, and not finding. I kept up appearances, but there was no life in me. I was like a zombie. And from the outside, I was on the cusp of having the thing I wanted. I had been offered a ministry and a position. But it still didn’t feel the longing in my soul. I chose to walk away before I screwed up other people’s lives. I stepped down, and tucked my tail and went back home to the church family I had walked away from in January. It was not easy. People were skeptical at first. I think a couple of them still are, but most of them have received me with open arms and it’s all good.
It was around the first of August that I went to the doctor and finally sought treatment for an underlying issue with depression and panic attacks. I’d been really sick for a really long time. I won’t blame all my flakiness on that, but it was certainly a contributing factor. I couldn’t control my emotions at all before I got on medication. Now the world isn’t dreary any more. I see life in color again and it’s awesome.
I didn’t expect this post to take such a spiritual tone, but I suppose it can’t take any other since it’s who I am. Today, I’m committed to my church family. They are the best friends anyone could ever ask for. My tribe rocks. I’ve discovered that just because someone says “Jesus is moving over here” doesn’t mean I have to go there to find Him. I’m learning to find Him right here, right now. I’m not dark and empty anymore. I don’t have to be a good little employee of God…I’m His daughter.
Wow…so didn’t expect this to go that direction. Sorry to bore you with the details of my crazy spiritual journey.