I apologize now because this is probably going to be long.
I had maybe the most significant experience with the Living God today. Quite possibly one that I will look back on as a fork in the road where things really changed for me. This time last year, I tried to kill myself. It was really bad. It scared me. It scared in ways I cannot possibly describe. Depression, self-hatred, and inadequacy have all been significant issues in my life for a long, long, time. The Father just opened up a lot of stuff in my heart today and He revealed so much to me about all that.
First and foremost is that for the first time in my life I actually have experienced the love of a Father. My dad left when I was five. I have father figures in my life, but I have struggled a lot with being loved by the Father, and letting Him love me as a Father. I’ve pretty much been an orphan soul all my life. (Nothing against my mom, I love her to pieces, but she has her own issues and she has no use for God so all of the things I’ve walked through in my relationship with Christ, I’ve kinda had to trudge through on my own). But tonight, I have experienced the love of the Father. I even said today, “God, I’m not sure how to be loved by a Father, I don’t know what that is like…” Man, did He ever answer that bigtime in me tonight. I sat with Him and He poured out His love all flippin’ over me. My heart was opened and exposed and I was safe and secure. I’ve have experiences with Him where He revealed Himself as Father to me, but never have I experienced the love of the Father the way I did tonight.
Secondly, He showed me that so much of my feelings of inadequacy are derived from that old school, old covenant mentality about things being about sin and performance. Those who know me know that I used to talk about how “I suck at this stuff” and “y’all must have something I don’t have” and how that mentality has been a hinderance to me all this time. It’s just not about sin, it’s not about what I can’t do, it’s not about what I can do…it’s about life and it’s about love. In that place, inadequacy isn’t an issue because it’s not about being adequate to begin with. These are all things I knew intellectually but tonight these things were revealed to me. Revealed in me. And I can’t wait to see where things go from here.
The feelings of self-hatred had to do with things from my childhood and they originated from a situation that I had no control of. I don’t particularly want to delve into great detail, but I’m sure you can figure it out. The thing the Father said to me was “you are not damaged, you are not messed up, and you are not dirty”. That was huge. I don’t have to be self-loathing to be pure. Ultimately, yes, my flesh has to die, but it wasn’t about that…it was just a liberating experience to realize that all of that junk has been washed clean and it’s all good. That’s the cool thing about the new covenant, is that all those things that made me hate who I was, are the very things that forgiveness has covered. Once I realized that it wasn’t about sin (again…LOL) then I realized that there’s no reason to stay in that place of self-hatred because the things that make me hate myself are gone. Now it’s my job to walk in the Spirit. None of the rest matters.
One of the other things that I’ve dealt with (and I never was able to verbalize it before tonight) was the feeling that I loved God more than He loved me because I never had really experienced His love. I knew it intellectually that He loved me, but there was a place in my heart that honestly believed that He must not love me that much because I just wasn’t experiencing it. Wow. I was humbled and rocked hardcore. I could never begin to love Him more than He loves me. He went through more than I could ever imagine that I might reconciled to Him and brought to a place where I could have His life within me. I never would’ve said it out loud, but when I saw it for what it was, my heart was shaken.
In a way, I suppose it all boils down to being matters of pride. Just the negative side of pride. But it had weighed me down. This will definitely be a night to remember.